


3 years i spent staring at you

by tchnoismz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV First Person, Pining, Rare Pairings, but here we are, i dont usually do first person pov, yes more rare pair shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tchnoismz/pseuds/tchnoismz
Summary: But to him. . . to him you were the stars. Every star in the sky, that was you. He would look up to you like he looked at the night sky, with admiration and curiosity. I looked at you like you were the sun, squinting through the bright eyes, staring intensely however much I knew that it would just hurt me. I’d see you in the day and push you away, but admire you as you faded beyond the unreachable horizon, fading into the stars that he loved so much.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Konoha Akinori, minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	3 years i spent staring at you

**Author's Note:**

> im really bad at doing notes, but i cried writing this and it isn't even super sad.
> 
> anyway, this is one of my ultimate rarepairs/general ships, so please enjoy.

Looking back, I realize how slim the chances were. Words flashed through my head as if I hadn’t heard them already-- even if they weren’t spoken.  _ Protagonists. 120 percent. Always. Yours. A star.  _

High School, first year. I was new, and you were in my class, first desk in the second row, right next to the window. Right next to me. We didn’t share many interests, not that you minded at all. You invited me to sit next to you at lunch-- I didn’t expect your table to be only us.

I walked to school the next day as usual, and when you came bounding up to me, there was something of a smile on my face, one I didn’t so often wear. You were an annoyance to me that year. You asked me for the homework, and for help practicing with a club I wasn’t in. It was halfway through the year when you’d asked me to join, your eyes sparkling with the sort of excitement that only ever showed when you were talking about volleyball. I, of course, hesitated. 

“Are you sure I could even try out during this time of year?” 

You shook your head with such vigor that I simply sighed and let you drag me down the hallways of the school. They had me try multiple positions, and they nodded, stating that I wouldn’t be on first string as a first year with my skills. For some reason, I think that was what made me want to improve. But, it wasn’t the only thing.

I stood in the corner of the gym with the other first years, practicing tosses and passes to each other. One of the smaller first years--Komi, he said his name was--bumped the ball just a little too high, and I had shaken my head with a small grin and gone to retrieve it. 

I had to stop, though. Seeing the sun inside of a close-roofed building isn’t a normal occurrence. I rubbed my eyes, dazed, as you soared through the air, hitting the ball with such ferocity that it was hard to believe you were a first year at all.

I could say it was the coaches words that spurred me on, or the small libero’s bright smile when he said he’d be on first string next year. But, as the practices went on, and as we clambered our way to finals in just our first year, I knew that you were what made volleyball fun for me. You were what made me stay after for late practices, you were what made me strive to get better. You were my best friend and my hope. Until you weren’t. 

One year I’d spent staring at you.

  
  
  
  
  


Of course I knew there would be someone better. Our lunch table grew. We had Komi, Sarukui, and Washio all sitting around us and laughing. We had fun. We had stupid games and dumb questions, and stealing food off of each other’s plates. We had cheerful smiles as Komi nudged me in the side and asked me why I had turned down the confession of the cute girl from class 2-C the other day. I would just smile and shake my head, as if it was obvious. The thing was, I didn’t know.

I didn’t know until volleyball tryouts in our second year, the new line of first years bowing towards the third years as they were welcomed onto our team. I didn’t know until I saw your eyes light up at the mention of a new setter by the name of Akaashi Keiji. I didn’t know why I had turned the confession down until I felt a fist around my heart and a bubble of air floating in my stomach. 

I didn’t know anything until I saw your eyes light up with the same excitement you got only when you talked about volleyball. 

I could almost hear the echo in the young setters head, the ‘he’s a star’ that bounced off the walls of his skull. 

Those words were something I thought everyday, so why did I start to see myself in his lost, green eyes? I saw glints of hope for the future in those eyes

Sighing, I’d run my fingers through my hair and stand up, telling him not to let our ace wear him out too much. I’d walk the hallways to a secluded spot, a bench looking out over the small courtyard out school had. This was what I so frequently did to clear my head, but right now it wasn’t working. I threw out my food and went to class early, starting the homework out of pure boredom and frustration.

  
  


Enter an amber eyed ace, in class a few weeks later, bouncing in like usual and sitting in his second row seat--the same one from last year. You were tapping your pencil furiously against your desk, something you only need when nervous. I scribbled on a piece of paper quickly, passing it over to you.

_ What's wrong? _

The paper slipped back to me, your smile growing for no particular reason.

_ I have a crush !! :D _

Oh. Cue the pit in my stomach, the clenching of tight fingers around my heart yet again. Of course I knew who it was. Anyone with a brain and a pair of eyes could see it, the way the setter and the spiker stared at each other was by no means discreet. 

_ Who? _

I placed the paper on your desk with caution, my hands shaking as the paper slid off the desk with a slight breeze anyway, falling in front of the teacher’s shoes. 

“Passing notes in class, Akinori?” she glared at me, discarding the note without looking at it. “I’m disappointed.”

I buried my face in my hands, face heating up with embarrassment. A force was felt on my back and I looked up to see your reassuring smile, which only caused me to dig my face further into my hands. You laughed, oblivious as always.

Your constant chatter and the fact that you always needed help with the math homework was annoying. Your constant demands for help with extra practice was annoying. The fact that you were so oblivious to not only one person that liked you, but  _ two _ , was annoying. The fact that you were so radiant during games that I couldn’t focus was annoying. And everyday that you improved, you just got more annoying. 

Two years I’d spent staring at you, oh how the time passes quickly.

  
  
  
  
  


So of course, in our third year together, everything just got worse. I could see his smile when you talked, I could see your eyes light up in a way they never had when you talked to me. I would set to you and you would pat me on the back, with a “good job, konoha!”. When he would set to you, you’d hit it successfully and cheer with your fists in the air, placing your hands on his shoulders and smiling widely. Your sunshine eyes would squeeze shut as sunlight dripped out. “Your sets are the best, ‘Kaashi!”

I would meet your eyes from across the court and you’d shoot me a thumbs up. 

We’d go to the arcade after school, and go out for sushi or ramen on the weekends. We’d have study sessions on my bedroom floor, papers scattered everywhere as we laughed over a picture Sarukui sent on the groupchat.

We’d walk to practice together sometimes, your arm slinked around my shoulder; in fact, you often told me that I was the perfect height for you to rest on. Sometimes we’d get a little touchy, and Washio had once asked me if I was dating you. I shook my head as you walked over, balancing your chin on the top of my head.

I can't even remember when it happened, but there was a moment when I stopped calling you ‘Bo’ and you stopped calling me ‘Konoha.’ Our greetings were filled with ‘Kou’s and ‘Aki’s, and stupid faces and silly smiles. It almost made me forget that you didn’t love me in the same way I loved you. You were the sun shining so brightly in front of me.

But to him. . . to him you were the stars. Every star in the sky, that was you. He would look up to you like he looked at the night sky, with admiration and curiosity. I looked at you like you were the sun, squinting through the bright eyes, staring intensely however much I knew that it would just hurt me. I’d see you in the day and push you away, but admire you as you faded beyond the unreachable horizon, fading into the stars that he loved so much.

Sarukui would say that I spent a lot of time in my own head, and I suppose he’s right. Holding a crumpled piece of paper in my hand, I walk up to you after class and stand up in front of your desk.

“Kou. . .”

“Aki, are you okay?”

It sucks, being so close to someone but so far away. God, I love you so much. You don’t even know. 

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” you rarely have this serious tone in your voice, but I think you can tell I’m not feeling good. You’ve always been more perceptive than people think you are.

You weren’t trying to lead me on, I know that. You’re showing your affection in a unique way, but you don’t love me.

“I. . . I’ve liked you for a while, Kou. . .” 

You’re not in love with me. 

You love a blue-green eyed setter, who looks at you with all the love in the world. You love a dark-haired second year who changed your life with powerful words and glares. 

“Aki. . .”

  
  
  
  
  


I want to go back. I want to remember the time in second year when we were working on our english assignment together, and you stared at me for what seemed like just a few seconds too long. I didn’t know what it meant when I felt your lips against mine. 

I want to remember the times where I didn’t have to worry. I want to remember when we lost in round two at nationals in our second year, and you opened your arms for me as tears rolled down your bright red cheeks. I want to remember how my thumbs felt as I brushed the tears off of your cheeks and smiled through my own tears. 

“We’re gonna win when you’re captain, Bo. And I’ll be the best I can for you!”

I want to remember the sobbing we did when we lost our last game of second year, and you still came running to me. It was different. Your arms were stronger and your shoulders wider and I felt small and fragile in your arms. 

  
  


“Aki. . .” you repeat my name again, snapping me out of my thoughts as you cup my cheek with your rough hand.

  
  


I wish I could forget how when we won the prelims you ran to akaashi. I wish I could forget you two sleeping against each other on the bus ride home. 

I wish I could forget how he became vice captain and not me. I wasn’t upset that I didn;t get it, not really. I knew he was the better choice. He put more effort in, and could handle you better than me. He could cheer you up, all I could do was open my arms and let you cry it out. 

“I know you love Akaashi. . . It’s okay. It’s. . It's fine.” Of course my watering eyes betrayed my words, they always had. I would always say it was fine but even you knew it wasn’t.

I want to remember the first day we met. 

I want to remember the first day you dragged me to your volleyball practice and forced me to join.

I want to remember you as my best friend; the one who wedged his way into my life and promised to never leave. 

“Akinori, listen to me.”

My eyes stayed trained on yours, the room floating around me with the movement of water in my eyes.

“Akinori, I love you.”

My breath hitched in my throat, and I found it hard to swallow the sob I could feel rising in the back of my throat, the knot in my stomach being tugged and twisted in all sorts of different ways.

“N-no, you d-don’t! You. . . you love Akaashi.”

I looked at you and saw the sun, blurred by tears and impressions that you loved the horizon more than you loved me.

“Akinori.”

You held my face in your hands and I felt like I could break at any second. You didn’t make sense, the words didn’t mean anything.

“Akinori, I. Love. You.”

No, you were too serious to be faking it. I let out a choked sob, letting my emotions overwhelm me as I swayed, leaning into your shoulder for support. 

“K-Koutarou. . .”

“Shh.” 

My arms wrapped around your waist, and yet again, after so many years of staring the sun in the eyes and shivering under the gaze of the stars, I was in your arms again. I still felt small and vulnerable. I still felt like i was out of place and fragile, like if you squeezed too tight i’d break right into your hands.

I felt your eyes on me again, with the same intensity you stared at volleyball with. Had you been looking at me like that all this time? Was  _ I  _ the oblivious one? Did I waste my time keeping this to myself? Maybe.

But I didn’t waste the three years I spent staring at you.

Maybe I couldn’t give you 120%. Maybe I couldn’t be your protagonist. But I was yours in that moment, and to me, that was all that really mattered.


End file.
